Saturday, August 31, 2013

Day Five

My good will gesture does not seem to have worked. I called ex after I got off work this afternoon asking him when I could see my girls today and he said I was being rude in the way I asked and that he didn't have to deal with me if I was rude. I think that is proof enough that this is all about him and not about the safety of our girls at all. Of course, I go between wanting to believe the best of him: That for some unthinkable reason someone has been feeding him false information that has him truly concerned about me and how I treat the girls and the worst of him: that this is all a horrible vendetta against me and that he not only does not care if it hurts the girls but he wants it to because he knows that hurting the girls will hurt me. I know it is probably something in between those two though.

I have not seen any of my girls today. I will rest from my long day at work and try calling back. Maybe I'll be capable of being nicer when I've had some sleep.

Well I had a nap and I called back around 5:30. So he let me come out to his house where I watched the girls swim in the pool and then we drove around in golf carts. Ex is teaching oldest to drive them. I was a little scared to have her drive it, but apparently she's gotten very good. I feel like I am missing so much. I do not know what will happen next. He still hasn't let the girls go with me but why would they want to when he has all this nice stuff to give them? All I can give them is love.

While I was there, youngest lost her balance for a minute and got scared. Ex was closer than me and tried to comfort her but she shunned him and ran to me. At least they still want me for some things. I am afraid of what will happen if I do something he dislikes though. If he gets custody, yes they'll have all this nice stuff but he'll use it to control me just like he did when we were together. He'll say I cannot see the girls if I do something that displeases him, like he did this afternoon when he thought I was being rude to him. Not sure if he's letting me see them because he is being nice, because he needs the break of the few hours that I'm there that he doesn't have to be 100% on guard, or because his lawyer told him that is the best chance he has of winning.

The girls told me that they got to go to the Dove Festival, I was hoping I would get to take them around the square after I got off work but they probably did it in the morning while I was working anyway. There was a parade this morning so they probably went to it and then walked around the square. Will this nightmare ever be over? Gotta stay strong. Gonna meet with that lawyer Tuesday, see what he/she says. Just gotta get through this weekend. Good thing was that today was pretty busy so I didn't have time to mope while I was at work, then I was so tired when I got home that I fell right to sleep.

Got sister all set to go to school now, she's gonna be going until noon so it should be pretty easy for her to find a job. I haven't gotten a second job yet. Gotta apply more places. I'm just afraid that if I do get one, I'll never see the girls.

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